i have a ton of pent up blogshit

so prepare yourself for an enema. okay, that’s just nasty. sorry. so. am trying to decide just what kind of post this will be … thematic? stream-of-consciousness? chronological? episodic? cathartic? revelatory? incoherent? it is what it is, i guess. or what it will be anyway.

i spent the week in a state of hangover from last week’s work explosion. no amount of sleep was enough. i worked out less, ate more, slept more. but nothing was enough. world weariness may have played a part. so much touble. and part of it too is the fact that my shrink is on vacation til sept. i clearly have a lot of pent up emotional matter weighing on me. emotional matter? does that make any sense at all?

define: matter
substance: that which has mass and occupies space; “an atom is the smallest indivisible unit of matter”

well anyway. i got through the week and decided to ask for friday off. we are up to date on all of our work and both of my bosses were going to be out too. so why not? my boss was cool with it so the plan was hatched.

i left around 6 to meet one of my old bosses from my old job for drinks at 7 pm at the boat house in central park. it was not my preferred locale. but last time we met, she trekked down to the west village. it only seemed fair to meet her on her turf this time.

i was even in kind of a good mood — kicking off my long weekend, my birthday weekend. going to see an old friend. well, not really. it’s a complicated relationship. mostly i just feel sorry for her. that’s terrible. terrible, but true. so i see her every now and again.

first, i erroneously took the uptown train to queens. i used to only do that once a year but somehow this year i’ve managed to do it 3 times. don’t ask.

finally got my ass to the park as the sky was looking increasingly ominous. so much for a picturesque night on the patio. i sat there waiting for the sad old boss and the sky became black. it was definitely going to rain hard, so i headed inside and got myself a good seat in the bar area. sure enough buckets started coming down and everyone rushed inside.

no sign of sad old boss. just me, stuck in the boathouse. i got a glass of red wine and watched the people. a crazy old couple kind of befriended me. the woman was bejeweled and bedazzled, looking quite good for her age, i suspect. the husband was an attention whore. kept talking loudly to try to involve me and others nearby in his kvetch-session. i didn’t take the bait. but i did exchange a few pleasantries with his wife. i think they were cuban. i heard them speak some spanish every now and again.

the boathouse is a tourist trap nightmare, btw. populated with unstylish middle americans and eurotrash. yes, yes hate me – i am that fuckin stuck up. right now anyway.

in the beginning i was enjoying it in a weird way. it was an adventure. i loved the people watching. and it’s much more memorable than what i’d normally be doing. like sitting home in my apartment emailing and posting stupid shit on my blog. i embraced it at first. but then i got hungry. and with hunger comes anger.

the rain let up and i was able to leave the park by 8:30. there were no cabs to be had anywhere. i tried to take the subway but it was shut down. i was stuck on the upper east side, horror of fucking horrors. i wandered down to my old nabe thinking i could take the 2nd ave bus to 14 st.

funny how i crawled back to the familiar. there are a gazillion other walking/bus routes i could have taken but i just kind of drifted that way. like a ouija drifts. like the last line of gatsby: “and so we beat on, boats against the currents, born back ceaselessly into the past.”

yeah so. i had dinner at my old turkish fave. i was sad to see that they made it all fancy now. i liked it better before. i was seated in the front window so i got a good look at the people coming in. at around 10 two young (under 25) suits came in. i bankers, i thought to myself. later on i heard one of them talking very loudly about asset classes. douche.

by the time i was done i was able to get a taxi. home to bed by 11. and a high-pitched message from sad old boss on my machine at 7:15 about why she never showed up. thank you very little.

okay so at least i could sleep in, right? i kinda did. got up at 6 to feed aretha, went back to bed and slept until 9. she kept waking me up, though, even after she ate. she just hated me being home still and not being active. she’s like me.

i had the guilty indulgence of watching access hollywood. it was good. but then my blackberry went off. fuckin-a man. work. i thought the coast was clear, but it wasn’t. i spent the next 4 hours in a state of semi working/waiting. annoying as hell.

ellen degeneres is really so wonderful. i just love her. the whole dancing bit does not get old with me. she even mocked the corny music from the bachelor when the dude votes someone out. i loved it.

when i finally decided to venture out the fed ex dude arrived with a rug i had ordered online from crate and barrel. it was cheap, but i thought it might work. i was wrong. way too big, way too magenta.

and in the process of trying it out a couple of different ways i managed to destroy that house of cards dresser i bought from target a few months ago. it totally fell apart. great. so then i tried all kinds of other stuff — moving my bed, ditching the frame. don’t ask.

it didn’t really work out for me, and now there’s a mountain of clothes, broken furniture, and shit that used to be under my bed hovering in the southwestern corner of the apartment. all that in plain view. and i no imminent solution … i have to toss the broken furniture pieces, return the gargantuan, hideous rug, and buy a real dresser. ugh.

am sounding quite negative here but it wasn’t all that bad. actually i was laughing at myself quite hard as all of these mishaps were occurring. it is kinda funny.

finally i gave up and went to the park (btw… this is turning out to be both chronological and stream of consciousness, kinda, right?). laid out for an hour and a half. sent some cranky emails to traci who commented on my crankiness. the funny part is in between all this i’ve been thinking of buddhism a lot. i am going to start a meditation class next week. lately i’ve felt this need for some kind of spiritual guidance.

i also read this book “as man thinketh” which basically says if you think good things you get them, if you think bad things you get them. what you think is what you get. and i believe that, mostly but how to explain the unexpected boathouse monsoon? (philosophical too!)

came back and changed. went to my trainer at 7. it took all the self control i could muster to leave the apartment in such shambles. am i a control freak, me? sometimes, in some things but not in everything i don’t think. my trainer is good. we had some tough times starting out, but i really like him now. he’s like me, i think. tough to get him to open up at first, but once you do, there’s a lot of sweetness in there. plus i love his work. after that i got a mani pedi.

very sex and the city box set of me, aye?

when i came home i walked by jasper at the italian restaurant. he was there, looking oh so cute. i looked at him and tried to smile but he looked away. bummer. the first time that happened traci said i was imagining it and that he probably didn’t see me at all. but i was pretty sure he did. and he did it again tonight. and he was playing that keane album again (now i’m playing it too — corndog!). looking oh so cute. he got a haircut or something. wonder what his deal is.

speaking of crushes. i saw that guy eddie from the park … the one who rolled up a month or so ago. i saw him from afar – he was in the park again, laying a rap on a cute girl. it was kind of funny. to me, that day and even now, it was a big deal. but i was one of the legions of women he rolls up on.

really excited for my birthday party tomorrow night. also i already got some fun presents. kate sent me some awesome black and white plates and fun japanese candies and jelly pens. kristina sent me a gorgeous necklace. presents presents fun fun. i am such a little kid.

okay, done. how’d i do?

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2 Comments

Filed under love, media, uncategorized, zen shit

2 responses to “i have a ton of pent up blogshit

  1. Kate

    1) You did great! I, for one, love this shit.
    2) Happy birthday!
    3)Sorry for all the yuck.

  2. colleen

    thanks kate. i gushed about you in the karaoke room to spillah. told her how a simple “heh” from you makes my day.

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