It’s after one a.m. And i cant sleep. Am at my parents’ house, and when I’m here it’s hard not to revert a little. Duffy is a sweet dog. I’m letting him up on the bed with me. I dont care if he’s not supposed to. I’m lonely.
I wept in the car ride up here listening to “Let It Be.” “Two of Us” also gets me sometimes. And I also wonder about “The Long and Winding Road” why he keeps going back. How good could it have been if she kept leaving him standing there … Why keep going back?
I also cried reading “Love is a Mix Tape” by Rob Sheffield. He was crazy in love with her (Renee), and she died suddenly after they’d only been together for five years. To hear how devoted he was to her, I get sad wondering if I will ever experience that. I have so much love to give. So much it’s practically bursting out sometimes. But I wonder if there’s a man out there who could love all of me — the baggage, the sore spots. Am I just too intense? I do think I’d be a good partner if only I could find a match. Patience, right?
It’s especially hard to fly solo in times like these. My Dad is really sick again. Eighth time to rehab in 3 years. We’re all tired of this. Exhausted and angry. He is so deeply ill, it’s all consuming. K called it “a sinking ship,” and that’s just what it is. I am lucky to have so many true friends to call and talk it out. But I also wish there was someone to hold me when I cry. I am tired of being tough and strong and “wise beyond my years.” I am not a rock. I am just a girl.
Thankfully a girl with a big sweet black lab curled up by her side, making sleep look like a good idea.
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