Chillin’ with Duff

It’s after one a.m. And i cant sleep. Am at my parents’ house, and when I’m here it’s hard not to revert a little. Duffy is a sweet dog. I’m letting him up on the bed with me. I dont care if he’s not supposed to. I’m lonely.

I wept in the car ride up here listening to “Let It Be.” “Two of Us” also gets me sometimes. And I also wonder about “The Long and Winding Road” why he keeps going back. How good could it have been if she kept leaving him standing there … Why keep going back?

I also cried reading “Love is a Mix Tape” by Rob Sheffield. He was crazy in love with her (Renee), and she died suddenly after they’d only been together for five years. To hear how devoted he was to her, I get sad wondering if I will ever experience that. I have so much love to give. So much it’s practically bursting out sometimes. But I wonder if there’s a man out there who could love all of me — the baggage, the sore spots. Am I just too intense? I do think I’d be a good partner if only I could find a match. Patience, right?

It’s especially hard to fly solo in times like these. My Dad is really sick again. Eighth time to rehab in 3 years. We’re all tired of this. Exhausted and angry. He is so deeply ill, it’s all consuming. K called it “a sinking ship,” and that’s just what it is. I am lucky to have so many true friends to call and talk it out. But I also wish there was someone to hold me when I cry. I am tired of being tough and strong and “wise beyond my years.” I am not a rock. I am just a girl.

Thankfully a girl with a big sweet black lab curled up by her side, making sleep look like a good idea.

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

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3 Comments

Filed under uncategorized, zen shit

3 responses to “Chillin’ with Duff

  1. Kate Harding

    Oh, Col. I’m so sorry about your dad.

    And I’m sorry you have to wonder if you’re too intense, or too X, Y, or Z to find the guy. I know you’ve heard a billion times that you are NOT, that a guy who deserves you is an extraordinarily rare creature, that he’s out there and it will happen, blah blah blah. I also know all that doesn’t mean shit when you’re feeling like this.

    So I’ll just say I wish you had someone to hold you right now, too. It fucking SUCKS that you don’t. You deserve that, and you deserve someone who really gets and appreciates how awesome it is that you are so full of love, passion, intensity. You deserve someone who’s grateful for all that every day.

    Crying and snuggling with dogs and talking to friends definitely help, but they’re not enough. They’re not a partner. (Yeah, yeah, you don’t need a man, etc., but when you WANT a man and can’t find the right one, it blows.) I hate that you haven’t found an awesome partner yet.

    And I can’t even tell you how stoked I will be to meet the guy who really gets you and can’t believe how lucky he is to have found you. Probably only slightly less stoked than you will be.

  2. COL

    kate, i heart you. thank you.

  3. Lost

    Dogs are good therapy. They love you unconditionally and we love them the same way.

    I curled up with Kali in bed all wknd. She’s so damn cute.

    Re: your dad. Hang in there, girl. I know it’s taxing and a bit like a bad nightmare that keeps showing up. You are not expected to be a rock all of the time. Rocks have hard places, too.

    🙂

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