Everything I ever wanted to blog about, but was too afraid (or lazy, tired, preoccupied) to post

Thanks to everyone who keeps checking in on me and my family situation. Am relieved to say things have stabilized somewhat. Apart from that, I am handling everything better personally now that I am back in NYC, among my support: my pals, my pet and my comfy West Village home.

I had a delightful 4th. Slept late & ran. Jack & Carmen, my newlywed cousins who live a few blocks away, came to the hood. We met up with a bunch of their pals at Petite Abielle for brunch. My cousins and their friends are mostly a fashion crowd… very arty and young. They always teach me about cool stuff, also in the process we inevitably end up talking about weird shit like fisting (Ow!) and drag queens who have the same names as us. Had an awesome burger and fries and went home for a nap attack.

When I got up I showered and headed over to hang with friends in Brooklyn. Again, an interesting, eclectic, intelligent, good vibes crowd. We talked about all kinds of everything. Was I alone in a way, surrounded by all those couples? Yeah, but I still felt comfortable and loved. They have a sweet roof – perfect for firework spectatorship. Watching all those lights going off, I could feel my new phase starting – fresh cells bursting out in my blood and bones. Independence from the old ways – that sorta thing. It felt good.

I recently finished Rob Sheffield’s LOVE IS A MIX TAPE. It’s a memoir about Rob’s life with his late wife, Renee. It describes the years leading up to their first meeting, their blissful years getting to know each other, and then their last moments together. Rob and Renee married at age 25, before they could grasp the depths of what that commitment meant.

And a few years later, just when they were starting to think about it, Renee died suddenly of a pulmonary embolism. I had to stop reading a couple of times because it was too unbearably sad. Rob made me feel his grief so deeply, I was literally nauseous. “Stop, stop!” I’d yell out and slam the book shut. One second it was all ahead of them. The next he was a boy without a home, the only home he had ever chosen for himself. Sad!

But it’s only as painful as it is because it’s so joyful before the bad stuff happens. They loved eachother fearlessly. The way a kid makes a flying leap into a pool without testing the water first. It’s a precious and fleeting time in life — before you’ve lived enough to get weighed down by experience and emotional baggage. If you love love, and music, and you have a lot of “what is it all about?” thoughts on the brain, I’d recommend this one for sure. Also Rob is totally hilarious, has amazing musical taste and knowledge (he’s an editor at Rolling Stone), and he even gave a shout out to my favorite Prince song of all time, the song I wanted to be my wedding song, until I realized the lyrics might be a bit too dirty for that: Adore!

I’ve also been reading some stuff by J. Krishnamurti. He’s reinforcing something that’s been on my mind a lot — how we’re destined for pain if we live in the mind all the time. (The irony! Owie!) We let our minds, our egos rule us, ruin us. Especially in relationships with others. We want to dominate others, possess them, make them affirm and reinforce our own notions of self. We see a thing of beauty and we want to possess it, make it ours – as a memory, as a picture. To that end I was thinking of my photo albums. They’re fun and good … but why isn’t the moment enough? Why must I photodocument everything – to remind myself that it was, in fact, a good time? That I am a girl who has good times? Why the need to constantly surround oneself with it, and reinforce it? It’s a ridiculous question to ask on a personal blog (Q:You’re so vain, you probably think this blog is about you. You’re so VAIN. You probably think this blog is ABOUT YOU, DON’T YOU? DON’T YOU? A: Yes.). Alas. I’m probably over thinking. Heh.

Am also getting more involved with a few creative things lately, which is good. You’ve noticed the new blog? I hope people update their links and RSS and still come here. We’ll see. And my day job is finally picking up and getting busy after a month-long respite. The last real work I did was May 25th. It’s time. And outside of that, I am getting some good ideas on the music front, getting more involved with my friends’ music company … trying to figure out what more we can do with it. I’ve also been talking to some people for some cool new freelance work. I like this setup. It feels good to be in the driver’s seat. To choose what I want to do and do it.

This weekend’s going to be awesome. Sat. I am taking the train out to my Aunt & Uncle’s at the Jersey shore. Meeting up with my cousin, hitting the beach during the day and then we’ll head over to our other cousin’s house for a BBQ at night. Sunday Beth & Peter will be in town from Chicago – we’ll probably get dinner at the Spotted Pig. Oh and I have a date! Next weekend. Have felt it was time to break the seal and get back out there and try again. Now I’m on my way! He’s an actor which kind of makes me nervous. Can’t help thinking of the Strokes song Evening Sun: “All actors they’re pretending And singers they sometimes lie …” But it’s not as if regular dudes are saints. I said I wanted expressive, so we’ll see how this one goes.

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3 Comments

Filed under love, music, uncategorized, zen shit

3 responses to “Everything I ever wanted to blog about, but was too afraid (or lazy, tired, preoccupied) to post

  1. Is this official? It looks official, and I like the looks of it!!

  2. The new site is you. The old site was a version of you.

    Yay you have a date? You tell me nothing.

    This knocked my socks off:
    I had to stop reading a couple of times because it was too unbearably sad. Rob made me feel his grief so deeply, I was literally nauseous. “Stop, stop!” I’d yell out and slam the book shut.

    That is how I feel about losing my family. Right in front of me. Stop! Stop! And I totally slam the book shut.

    Krishnamurti is right, but more right, as always, is Rilke. Dig in to the dish in front of you. Did he ever say anything bad?

  3. Spill, As I read the book, I felt all those things for you too. I wanted to hug Rob and take care of him and make it all better for him. But it’s impossible to change. That’s the whole thing. This is his life now, his cross to bear and almost no one gets it. He said something like “Whatever doesn’t kill you doesn’t make you stronger. It just makes you very, very bitter.” I appreciated his truthfulness. And the date just materialized today, a set up. Wuz gonna tell U. More deets when we chat. Also now I feel jerky for implying that all actors are shadesville. It’s not so. My sister-in-law was an actor. My trainer’s an actor. My dear pal Liz, with whom i just partook in some lovely imbibing, is an actor. They are all good peeps. Must. Keep.Open.Mind. Am just learning about Krishnamurti — been having a lot of aha moments. The main ones where he says stuff like: “you can read all you want, study and discuss all you want but the only way to really know yourself or anyone is through relationships.” As for Rilke, don’t know much but that quote just stuck.

    Laurie, what the hell. Yes — hear ye, hear ye: it’s official. Just gotta wrap things up over at the old space and make sure people know I’m moving (and I really mean it). And BTW thanks for the sweet words about my “coolness.” I think DO I’m cool — that’s never been a concern. What I worry about is finding a man who sees it too, and who wants me for who I am — all of who I am.

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