32

Bday kicked off beautifully this weekend. Went to my Aunt & Uncle’s place at the Jerz Shore. Cuz Kate drove down and met me and we all went to the beach on Saturday. Sunday Ter, Jack & Carmen all came for the day and we went to the beach again. It was beautiful, the water was perfect … felt like NC back in the day. They even had a Carvel cake for me last night. Ocean, family, ice cream cake ─ dream!

The Evite responses for tonight have ticked up. Going to leave the office early and head down there. Then I’m off for the rest of the week. No big vaycay plans. Need to save some dough. Gonna see the bambino, hang with fam, sleep, work out, hit the beach a few times. Can’t wait to get outta this joint. Not that it’s particularly vexing, my work. I just need a change of pace, break from my (mostly) beloved routine.

Feeling pretty Zen on this 32nd birthday. Much more connected to other people, both the people who I love who are in my life, and strangers on the street. I feel their joy and pain in ways I didn’t used to. I want to help people in any little way I can, even if it’s just meeting their eyes on the subway and smiling. Been reading a helpful book called Letting Go of the Person You Used to Be (recommended by a friend). It’s helping me see how far I’ve come, and where I want to go. It’s happening, I can feel it. Not quick, not all at once. But it’s happening. (I think).

One thing that kinda freaks me the hell out is the loss of ambition I’ve been feeling. I don’t know if it’s authentic. I think it is, but I am unsure. I feel less competitive about things and people. I don’t want to put energy into competing. I want to do new things, creative things, help people and have fun. Also I want to share my love for this world, for my family and life. Haven’t met a partner yet, but I feel like I am on my way.

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7 responses to “32

  1. Happy birthday!

    One thing that kinda freaks me the hell out is the loss of ambition I’ve been feeling. I don’t know if it’s authentic. I think it is, but I am unsure. I feel less competitive about things and people. I don’t want to put energy into competing. I want to do new things, creative things, help people and have fun.

    That’s not necessarily a loss of ambition — maybe just a shift in what “ambition” means to you. As in, maybe you’re seeing more value in working hard at building relationships and being creative than in working hard at making money and achieving recognition in the workplace (which often enough comes from people you don’t even respect).

    Or maybe I’m projecting my shit onto you. 🙂 But I can tell you this much: I’m largely non-competitive, totally uninterested in corporate ladder-climbing, and cannot imagine ever wanting to drive anything but a Toyota. (And a small one at that.) But I am a Capricorn through and through, and thus remain ambitious as hell. It’s just that my ambitions are different than they used to be (except for wanting to write books that people actually read). I want to know myself. I want to become totally comfortable in my body. I want to learn as much as I possibly can. I want to do things because they make me happy, not because I think I should do them. I want to be more generous without losing myself. I want to make the people I love my first priority at every crossroads.

    ALL of those things require buttloads of ambition, determination, self-possession, and courage in this culture. And I believe they can make you very powerful. But they don’t get you money or fancy job titles, and it’s a big leap to stop defining ambition and success in terms of those things.

  2. Gabriel Levitt

    Are you saying that Gordon Gekko was wrong and that actually greed is NOT good!. That’s what I’m getting from you.

    Seriously, I agree with Kate’s message and couldn’t communicate it that well in a million years. So Ditto.

    Happy Birthday!

  3. have a wonderful 32! you’re so self-aware & seeking, which is major ambition in itself. i totally admire that. happy happy birthday.

  4. Shucks. Thanks you guys. You each enhance my life in a unique way, and help me learn new stuff about myself. I am very lucky to have your friendship.

  5. While I haven’t read the entire post, here it is anyway:

    Happy Birthday!

  6. thanks marco!

    and kate i’d read your books, so would TONS of people. i recently reread some of your chapters (big shoulders). i hope you get back to it. you will when you’re ready.

    xo

  7. Linda K.

    i also agree with kate. now that i’m older, and hopefully wiser, i realize that competing to win in the corporate world is not the way i want to spend my life. right now, i’m competing to be the best me i can be. and that doesn’t include being the princess of powerpoint or the ultimate binder babe. i want to be the best sister, aunt, friend, person, and essay writer i can be. now, that’s a goal worth reaching for!

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