where’s the beef?

okay dudes and dudettes. colsblog these days has been somewhat of a meatless patty. i haven’t put a lot out here. i do believe in keeping some things all for my self. while willy was right — all the world’s a stage — there’s something to be said for backstage, rehearsals, and hiatus … not everything should part of the performance.

been in a bit of a liminal stage of late.

the liminal stage occurs midway through the ceremony when the neophyte stands on the threshold of a doorway, “betwixt and between”, neither one status nor the other.

yeah, so. fortunately, i have a much greater tolerance for it than i did in past change cycles. most days, most moments, it feels good. things still aren’t perfect. family members are still very sick. job situations are still boring me to tears. and still no BF. the difference now is that i’ve accepted it. all the therapy and zen shit has helped me cope with the uncertainty and let go of my desire for control. sometimes it’s kind of amazing to recognize that this life i am in right now is the life i dreamed of before. now i’m walking through it each day. that is gratifying. and i feel a smidge guilty saying it because a lot of people out there are pretty unsatisfied. why? why can some people find contentment while others are perpetually dissatisfied?

a lad i went out with with recently confessed his apprehension over dating a wordsmith/blogger. i said not to worry, i don’t believe in blogging about the guys i’m dating. if they stick around long enough, i’ll acknowledge that they’re a part of my life, in the same way i acknowledge friends, family and jobs that are a part of my life. but i don’t get into a lot of details or communicate passive-aggressively through the blog because naturally that can damage any relationship.

so as it were, i’ve been dating around a bit … still not finding that rare combo of qualities that makes me want to spend my time (and eventually live my life) with someone else. but i still keep trying because i’m a hopeless romantic, and have visions of growing old with someone extraordinary, being a mother and eventually having grandkids sit on my lap while i tell all the great stories of our shared life and adventures.

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4 Comments

Filed under love, zen shit

4 responses to “where’s the beef?

  1. Bro Bri

    Mmm. Steak.

  2. nwo

    Who’d a thunk that being a blogger might interfere with romance? Hope he gets over it. Enjoy the moments: positive people attract.

  3. kristina

    col,

    i’m in admiration for how you are asking the universe for what you want. it’s perenially fashionable to act cool and detached, but i have to think putting things out there will only bring new and wonderful experiences and people into your life. and what is it with guys’ fear of being on blogs. gee whiz – so often they freak at our expressing emotion in real life and then are also concerned about us doing so via anonymous, completely personal outlets. anyway, brava, sister. i aspire to your openness.

  4. y’all are so sweet. nwo — i keep thinking of what you said about the moments, and knowing it’s true.

    kris, i hope you’re right about the potential rewards. while i could always reserve the right to fail in private, that’s no fun. even misery loves company, right? and you are so right about the contradiction — damned if we show too much or too little emotion in life or online. when someone can accept me for the whole of me — the ugly scary parts too, then i’ll feel very lucky indeed.

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