Off the leash

It’s official. I’m depressed. I suspected it. The anxiety. The excessive working. The moodiness and walling up. Tonight my therapist confirmed it. I suspected. Friends told me. I didn’t want to accept it because I hate depression and the heinous effects it imposes on those who suffer it … and those who love them. But alas, it’s part of me. It’s in my blood, my bones, in my DNA. It will always be a factor. In the past few years I’ve learned to manage it. Through therapy, through exercise, life and love. It is as much a part of me as is the fun, goofy, silly prankster side.

Considering the fact that my Dad’s dying a long and ugly death, it’s not terribly surprising that I’m regressing a bit. I try not to let my funks infect/spill over onto the people I love. I try to keep them contained. I grew up in a home where other people’s funks dominated me. Made me feel shitty, inadequate. Made me question my wants, desires. Made me ashamed to be who I really was. For years I was ruled by that craziness, and I also subjected friends to it.

But that’s not me. That’s not how I want to live, who I want to be. I am tired of following the stupid rules society dictates. As I am witnessing now in my own immediate family, when you go 60 years living a life you didn’t want, it explodes. Like it did for Willy Loman. Like the Langston Hughes poem.

Dream Deferred

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up

Like a raisin in the sun?

Or fester like a sore–

And then run?

Does it stink like rotten meat?

Or crust and sugar over–

like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags

like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

I think of the saying, “As you live, so you shall die.” Might be from the Koran or the Tao Te Ching. Not sure. But I am sure I want to live off the leash much more than I am right now.

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “Off the leash

  1. This is one of your best posts ever, Col.

  2. superdave524

    Keep in their swinging, Slugger.

  3. Col! You are loved. You are so loved. xom

  4. Hi Col,
    I am so sorry to hear about your dad. I completely understand. I lost my dad as a teenager and felt shitty about it for many years. I totally get the depression that that kind of event brings. Awesome that you have people who recognize the depression and care enough to talk to you about it openly – that is a real blessing. Hang in there.

    -Christa

  5. thanks HR wench, SD, Gem, Christa and everybody who called/emailed me when they read this post. i am so blessed to have so many loving, supportive pals to help me get through this tough time. xoxoxo

  6. Brady

    Or does it explode?

    Perfect.

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